dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
