Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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