Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I will be naked everywhere
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Randomize
