Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
