he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
