My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Randomize
