My underwear smells like fireworks.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
