i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
