I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Randomize
