2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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