fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Randomize
