If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
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