the new term for farting is butt boxing.
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Randomize
