I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Randomize
