I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
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