Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
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