i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
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