Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
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