New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Randomize
