What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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