New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
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