got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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