i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
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