you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
We need to rekindle our bromance
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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