Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Randomize
