he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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