I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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