God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
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