if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
I want to be your penis for a week.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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