I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
