Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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