I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
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