I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
So gin and wine won't be happening again
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Randomize
