I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Randomize
