you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Randomize
