6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
