yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
