Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
