i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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