I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
