i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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