in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
