just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
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You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
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She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
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