Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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