The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
My life is pants optional.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
