My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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