She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
