I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
try to milk me bitch
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