i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
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