is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
