i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
