i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Randomize
