I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Randomize
