So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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