Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
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