he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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