I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
