The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Randomize
