well I can't set my house on fire every night
dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
