i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
I'd cum for enchiladas.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
