Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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