btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Randomize
