Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Randomize
